Before Her Time
Before Here Time - Lanae Valise
I remember walking into The Student Center standing in the long lines anxious for my new beginning as a freshman. I can recall looking into all of the faces of my classmates, possible friends and thinking to myself each person has a different story, but what story will I get the opportunity to learn? I had a relationship waiting for me at home and I felt as if nothing could break me away from this feeling of freedom. I knew very well the consequences of having unprotected sex with my longtime lover at home; we even discussed what could possibly happen and the joy in it all. But when it was real and this simple unmonitored idea turned into a human form it was beyond my control. My heart knew that I had involved someone else in my reckless actions and I was curious to know what joy I would feel in carrying this baby, than to risk a lifelong regret. I had options, mixed emotions about my decision and even support from the person I would least expect. As I fast forward nine months after a God sent creation, it was that moment as I pushed out what I had envisioned to be my new beginning I remember the pain. The sharp pains of tearing and stretching, but in that very moment the pain didn’t matter, I was on a mission. I wanted to safely bring a life that depended solely on me from the very beginning of his creation to this world. And so I did. I had no idea at the age of 20, I would be someone’s mother, let alone only support system. Nothing or no one could have prepared me for this stage in my life. It was like a hands-on experiment that couldn’t be taught, I had to learn and in three longs months of catering, observing, and learning this being it was clear that time has no mercy on your life. It is funny how I can easily recall this overwhelming experience without mentioning less than a month before this I married my first love. Yes, as romantic as it sounds it was far from a fairytale. Although I loved this person and felt so much comfort in being with him, there was something lacking. He had me in the present and definitely was apart of my past, but for some reason, which I understand now, the future was blurry. I knew he had indeed lacked ambition and had a ticking time bomb temper. But what stuck with my heart and reasoning for being with him so long was his personality and love for people. He was a good person with no guidelines, no boundaries, no direction or clue. As I tried to care for him in the ways he needed and direct his paths, when another life came into the mix, I couldn’t give the same amount of care. In the midst of learning, adjusting, and trying to maintain a relationship where you have to tend to someone who was misguided. Honestly you lose sight of that flame, the love that kept your wheels turning and ultimately I lost the potential for a future. I had done all I could and even in the last year of breaking up completely I still had hope. Now that I am writing this I discovered the meaning of that hope I felt for my relationship. I hoped that I would not be writing such an amazing piece on a holiday alone in my apartment with my son. I hoped that when I felt lonely there would be a body there someone I was comfortable with to console me whenever needed. And that hopeless hope is what I found was symbolic of him. And as he sits in a place of his untimely hell, I feel for him. I wish I would have cut the string and showed him you have to work for what you want, things will not always be given. I enabled that man to think that his actions were acceptable as I kept accepting the harsh treatment, infidelity, and physical and mental abuse. I blame myself sometimes, but in the end I was a child myself trying to raise one. I am now 26, divorced with a child and full of understanding of life and how we have no control over how it will unfold or end. I am in the process of learning it is okay to not know who your mate will be, if you will ever marry again or reproduce. I have no clue what the next chapter of my life brings, but what I can tell you is I am not afraid. I am ready. As I light a flame and sit in the darkness of my past and present, I am humbled by what I have been through. It was not a mistake nor was it in vain. I was taught thankfully at a very young age that it’s not always about me. And it is my ultimate goal yet to maintain this mentality, for so long I was brought up on the exact opposite. There is no shame in knowing who I have become from this and some things I still don’t agree with about myself, this is a process. And it’s only the beginning.
